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  • Ashley Martinez

I'll Cry If I Want To

It was my birthday yesterday and I cried. 3 years ago I turned 30 and celebrated with a 3-day party. Last year it was just a pajama party for my birthday, which I loved, but this year, I just didn't have the energy to plan anything, and I didn't want to do anything. I feel like this must be what it's like to grow up, and I don't like it. I spent my morning watching My Neighbor Totoro to feel like a kid again and to remind me that even if things aren't ideal, you can still make the best of a situation. Usually, I think of things I have to look forward too, visits, vacations, days off, anything, but it's hard to look forward to anything, with a pandemic that's keeping us apart, our flailing government, our struggling teachers/students/parents, & my struggling business (ok, this is definitely an exaggeration, but anxiety is mean. Between the GoFundMe, Patreon, and the Yard Sale, we have enough to survive the year, and maybe two months into the next year, plus I applied for 2 different grants, so hopefully things will be getting better sooner rather than later.) I think my pandemic depression is being fed by seasonal depression... I consider myself a Recovering Catholic or an Agnostic, but religion and religious folks have always fascinated me. I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned that someone didn't believe in God because if they did exist, then why is there so much suffering? To me, that answer has nothing to do with the existence of God. Alexandre Dumas said it perfectly "There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness."

It is my hope that those of us who have struggled through this pandemic will get to experience supreme happiness again soon <3

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